Clarity With Charity

Motivation for Mommyhood, Marriage and the Mundane

Confessions of a Kitty Stepmom

Jesus said,  “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  (Luke 9:23) I thought I had experienced what it meant to die to myself.  I have been on overseas missions trips, I moved to a different city to help start a church, and worked with inner city kids while sacrificing a lot of time, money and sleep to be a part of various ministries I felt God calling me too.  I really thought I understood a lot about dying to myself, until I got married….

I know what you’re thinking, oh its a blog post about how refining it is to love your husband when he leaves the toilet seat up.  Wrong, actually I am not even sure if my husband leaves the toilet seat up…I’ll have to check next time and report back…ha, ha…just kidding…

No, my refinement has come from two very hairy creatures, one large, one small, one cute, and one who reminds me of a wild tiger, two little voices that stand at my bedroom door every morning whining for their breakfast and a little attention …two little ones, I inherited the day I said “I Do”…yes, my husband brought children into our marriage…

Here they are…

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Thrilled to be a Christmas Elf…Sparta (I call her Sparta Bean.)

Now, I know what are you’re thinking, “Those spots!  How beautiful!”  “Wow are those really ???“  Yes, they are bengals …and yes they are worth a small fortune!…a small fortune I found out about when we were having a new couple over for dinner…a fortune so vast I wanted to gasp and scream when I first heard the sum spent…but because I was in the presence of virtual strangers…I gasped, lost consciousness for a brief second and then told everyone we could start eating our tacos..

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Looking more like a wrestler than Santa…Jaxon (I call him Jaxy Poo)

My husband bought the cats before we were dating…actually…. correction he bought them after I broke off our dating the first time (yes, God has a funny way of making us pay for our mistakes sometimes).  My payment for being dumb enough to break up with my future husband is a lifetime of being…..the “Kitty Stepmom”

Let’s start with Jaxon.

Who needs a guard dog when your kitty has fangs!

Who needs a guard dog when your kitty has fangs!

Our relationship had a very rocky beginning.  One of the first times I hung out with Jaxon I decided to sit with my feet under a blanket on the couch, unbeknownst to me Jaxon is an avid hunter of all things blanketed.  This time it was my feet who were his prey, and his claws drew blood on my foot.  There were some other claws that wanted to draw blood at that moment, mine!…but not wanting to get in a cat fight…with an actual cat…I just shrieked and said “Ow” a lot and Rene locked Jaxon in another room.  In fact that happened a lot in our dating days, I came over and Jaxon would get locked in his room.  Its no wonder that Jaxon has proved to be my most difficult “Kitty step child.”

After we got married and I became the queen of the casa, Sparta seemed to feel the need to remind me that she was the original queen of the casa.

sparta blanket

Queen Sparta Bean

 Every time I turn around she is climbing something  to be at the highest point in the room where she will perch, her head held high, looking down upon me her lowly kitty step Mom to remind me that she is the queen of the casa.  I don’t mind her perching so much its just her whining in the morning that is so ANNOYING…err ummm….I mean… refining to me.  See, I expect to be awoken before my alarm, if I had a rooster in my back yard, or a newborn down the hall, but not because I am the stepmom to a cat.  What she needs so desperately in the morning, I can’t even begin to understand.  She barely even nibbles at the breakfast I give her when I finally drag myself out of bed.  I think she just wants me to be awake because she’s awake.   Actually, I am getting quite good at sleeping through her incessant meows, which is good for now, maybe not so good when I have a real child.

 

Rene and I’s first fight as a dating couple was over the cats, and there have been many more.  They have all come down to this:  I don’t like the cats, and Rene likes the cats.  I think they are pesky, annoying and hairy, Rene thinks they are fun, lovable and cuddly.  Rene has bonded with the cats, I would rather bond with a gorilla.

gorilla hug

Then one morning the Lord really convicted my heart about the cats.  How I was complaining about them, talking meanly to them and whining about the role of care taker I had in their life.  He told me the best way I could love Rene was to love the cats!  “What Lord!, “ you are telling me the best way to love my husband is to love the cats!  That is ludicrous!  What about making his favorite meal, what about kisses, or doing his laundry, maybe I could leave an encouraging note in his car?  Really…really….!!!!!”  But I knew I needed too.  If I showed love to the cats, I would be showing love to my husband, by valuing something he valued.

Now I know, every time I change Sparta’s  water, scratch Jaxson’s belly speak in a sweet tone to them (although I cringe because it sounds like a weird cat lady) I am laying down my life, one cat at a time.

 

 

Do you have pets?  What kind?   In what way do you think God is asking you to lay down your life today?

 

 

 

Clarity On: Sabbath, Part 1

This series comes from a question I received from a reader.  It was such a great question, with so many aspects to it, that as I began to write my response I realized it would be a great series.  Today is the beginning of the series.  Here is the question which prompted the series.

Dear Charity,

I tend to over-stockpile my plate full of obligations, responsibilities, events, church things, and social community things. They are all great and good and fine, but its really hard to find a place of rest in my heart that is not burdened by something or someone else already. Not to mention, my husband, more often than not, tends to get the last bit of my energy that’s barely existing, and It’s easy to feel like I’ve failed everyone by the time I’ve laid my head to rest at night.

How can I be responsible and faithful and yet still balance getting a day of rest without feeling lazy while doing it?

Sincerely,

Anna

Dear Anna,

I can completely relate with your struggle.   I feel like I have been on a journey with this same question for the past ten years.  I too felt that exact same way for years every night as I fell asleep, that I had failed everyone.  God has been so faithful through wise believers, His Word and His Spirit to help me be able to fall asleep at night being able to truly rest in body and mind because I no longer feel like I am living in a pressure cooker about to explode.

Let’s start by exploring the concept of taking a Sabbath day.  I lived for years thinking that taking one whole day a week to rest was at best a luxury but impossible for me.  There was a particular season where I was working full time while directing a Children’s Ministry at a church, helping lead a small group while also investing and mentoring young women in the church.  At the beginning of that two year season I did not take the concept of Sabbath very seriously.   However, I found myself quickly becoming an absolute mess!  I woke up most days feeling heavy and exhausted with the weight of tasks I had to complete along with the emotional weight of pastorally covering several ministry areas.  I felt like I was continually on the verge of an emotional meltdown and couldn’t enjoy “normal” things anymore.

It didn’t matter where I was invited to go, or what there was going on, all I wanted to do was SLEEP and not think for several hours.  Somewhere in the midst of this the Lord really spoke to my heart about the absolute necessity of taking a Sabbath, an entire day of rest once a week.  I couldn’t fathom that this could actually happen, but I had a major light bulb moment when I realized that a Sabbath wasn’t just  a nice idea or suggestion it was actually a command!  It’s a little embarrassing to admit but somehow I had missed this commandment in Exodus 20:8-11.

My favorite place to relax!

My favorite place to relax!

“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns.  For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

It amazing how many believers miss this commandment, when we pay a great deal of attention to the other ones.   Although compared to most of the commandments God is extremely specific about this one!

If someone came up to Joe Average churchgoer and asked “Does God command us not to murder?”  Joe churchgoer would emphatically say “YES!”  And if we asked Joe if that was a commandment he tried to follow he probably would say again, “YES!”  However, if we asked Joe Average churchgoer does God command us to take a day off once a week where we rest, recharge and connect with Him?  Joe may stutter and stammer, thinking about His answer.  Even if Joe did answer “yes” if we followed up with the question, “is this a commandment you try to follow?” you may get a few more stutters and stammers.

I realized that not following ALL of God’s commandments was a sin!   Although I may never get thrown into jail for it, it didn’t take away from the weight of this commandment.  One thing I have found out about God is that He doesn’t give us commandments because He is trying to be a kill joy or controlling, it is the exact opposite.  He gives us commands because He loves us and wants us to experience fullness of life and incredible joy.

One thing was certain to me, the way I was living life was not giving me incredible joy.   Yet as crazy as it sounded, I was confident I was right in the place God wanted me and that He must have a better way for me.  So I decided to give the Sabbath a try.  And guess what it worked!  I began to feel much more refreshed every week.  Yes, there were times where I felt weary but it always helped me to know that no matter how hard the week was that I had a rest coming on Saturday!

So how did I make Sabbath happen?   I will tell you my practical steps in the next post. 

In the meantime, I would love to hear your thoughts about Sabbath.   Is it something you practice weekly?  Why or why not?  What does your Sabbath look like?

Dear Charity….I answer our first reader question!

Dear Charity,

What do you do if you are interested in a guy, and he acts interested in you but isn’t asking you out?

– Anonymous

Dear Friend,

I can definitely relate to your dilemma.  I found myself in that situation several times before I got married.  I remember feeling so frustrated as my heart would get more and more involved with a guy but there was no initiation or clarification on their part.

Here are a few things I learned while waiting!

1.  Guard your heart.  God gives us this instruction in Proverbs 4:23:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”

He tells us this because He really loves us and wants the best for us!  When I was majorly crushing on a guy, I found it nearly impossible not to imagine my life with him.  I would start to wonder where our first date would be, what season we would get married in and where our wedding registry would be? Then I would watch reality wedding shows and dream about my dress. It was like I was pouring gasoline on a fire to try to put it out. I was exasperating the problem and certainly not guarding my heart.  So when I was in these seasons of waiting and longing I learned to guard my heart by avoiding wedding tv shows, romantic movies, romantic songs and making 100 secret pinterest boards of wedding plans.  When I would start imagining my life with that person, I would stop myself and try to focus on something worthwhile, like praying for other people.    This way I used all my mental energy towards something constructive, talking with Jesus!

 

2.   Reality Check.  I cringe as I write these words, but it is important to realize, he may not actually like you or ever ask you out.  Ouch, burn, sting, stab..I’m sorry I really hate to be the one to say this.  But you can’t assume that just because he acts interested he actually is!  I know that as a woman it is easy to think that we understand the non – verbals men send us, but sometimes we don’t.  As I have dialogued with various godly guys about the subject, their response has been unanimous:

Sometimes guys have no idea the vibe they are putting out there and some guys just like getting attention from girls and do not have the intention of asking them out.  I think it is best to base your understanding of a situation only on what you have actually been told from the mouth of “your crush”.  Has he said?: “I would like to date you?”  If not, then don’t think he wants to date you.  Has he said?:  “I would like to intentionally pursue you?”  If not, then the truth is you have no reason to assume that he wants to pursue you.

 

3.      A watched pot never boils.  We have all heard this cooking expression, but I didn’t realize how applicable it was to waiting for a crush to ask you out, until an older woman in my church shared it with me one day.  I had just gotten done with a long, lengthy and winded (she was such a patient listener!) about everything I felt and wondered about this guy, and my absolute frustration that he had not asked me out, because it was clear to me and all my friends that  he had a crush on me too.  I finished my winded monologue with a gut wrenching “what should I do???????!!!!!!” and she simply responded with such peace and profound wisdom:

 “Well, Charity, a watched pot never boils.”

I was stunned by her short response to what seemed like to me a complicated problem, but having such respect for her I mulled it over for a week.  I finally realized what she meant, that my emotional energy and time I was investing in waiting and wondering when this guy would ask me out, was not only a waste of time but would not help speed up the time for him to ask me out.

From that day I really tried to turn my attention to other things.  Praise God, that crush never asked me out, because shortly thereafter my future husband did!  Turns out I was watching a pot that was never going to boil.

 

4.       Confront (in Love!)    This may or may not be the right thing for your situation, but I would suggest considering it and then running it by someone who is wise and more familiar with your situation.

You may need to talk with this guy about how his behavior is making you feel.  Its always good to approach this conversation with humility and not to accuse or assume that you know exactly what he is thinking or intending.  This conversation may start something like this:

 

“ Hey,  Joe Bob, when you _________ (call me and we talk for two hours, tell me I am the most beautiful woman in the world ect….) it makes me feel  ______  (like that you are interested in me, like you are leading me on).  I am not saying that this is your intention at all, I just wanted you to know how that is coming across, so we can talk about it.”

 

 This conversation is not meant to be used as manipulation, with the hope that you will get a date from it!  Rather to let a guy know how his actions or words are being interpreted.

 

I hope this helps!   Do you have a question that you would like answered in the “Dear Charity” section of the blog?  Please email it to info@claritywithcharity.com   Please include if I have your consent to post your question on the blog.  Also please include how you would like your question to be signed.  (i.e.  Anonymous, Your Name, Searching in Seattle ect…)

 Readers, its your turn to give a little clarity!  Have you ever been in a similar situation?  What would your advice to our reader be?

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