Clarity With Charity

Motivation for Mommyhood, Marriage and the Mundane

Advice on Having Successful Long Distance Relationships, Part 1

The lyrics from Grease kept running through my mind as I thought about the series we are beginning, “Advice on Having Successful Long Distance Relationships”

“Summer loving had me a blast552748_10150940622398962_1308059758_n
Summer loving happened so fast
I met a girl crazy for me
Met a boy cute as can be

It turned colder, that’s where it ends
So I told her we’d still be friends
Then we made our true love vow
Wonder what she’s doing now

Summer dreams ripped at the seams”

Courtsey: Grease – Summer Nights Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Did you find a love this summer?  Are you worried your summertime love will be “ripped at the seams” because of attending separate universities, an impending job transfer, or a military deployment?  Are you are facing the entrance of a long distance relationship?

Heather and her husband! Aren't they a beautiful couple?

Heather and her husband, Jon! Aren’t they a beautiful couple?

Today, I am thrilled to welcome to our blog for the first time, Heather.  Heather is a writer, newlywed and the wife of a Navy pilot.  She understands acutely the challenges facing engaged and married couples who are separated.  She will be sharing her insights today about how to thrive in a season of separation. 

Tomorrow, I will be sharing how to be successful in a long distance dating relationship, reflecting upon the almost 2 years my husband and I spent, building our relationship, dating and spending our engagement long distance.

Blessings through the Distance – By Heather

For most people a “long distance” relationship is not their first choice.  Why would it be?  Being away from a loved one or  meeting someone and starting a long distance relationship is a hard commitment and definitely has its challenges, but it also has its rewards.  Most people don’t hear about the blessings and the growth that can come through a long distance relationship, but believe me, as a military wife, there is great reward when Jesus is the author of the distance.

My husband and I have been married just over a year.  We met through our church right before he left for a deployment overseas.  Honestly, I was grateful for the distance between us because it gave me the opportunity to have wisdom and discernment to know if this relationship was of God or myself.

Sometimes relationships can be based on emotions or the incredible “high” we get when we’re with that person.  I think it’s safe to say that those are natural feelings that come with any new relationship and are truly a beautiful thing, but it can also cloud your mind and prevent you from knowing deep in your spirit what God is saying about your relationship.  Distance, for me, was a powerful tool to help me think and see clearly that God was the author of this relationship.  I had all the same giddy emotions and butterflies that come with the excitement of a relationship, but the distance allowed me to relax, pray, and hear the voice of God.

155041_10152269460291002_282472433_nDistance was also a huge part of my growth.  A week after my husband proposed he was sent out on a six month deployment overseas, and once again I was forced to be parted from him.  This time was much harder.  We only had four months together before he had to leave again and I felt cheated.  “I just got him back, Lord.  Please don’t take him from me now.”  I cried and begged God to allow him to stay.  I knew this was what I signed up for when I said “yes” to marrying him.  He was worth it in every way but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be pain or hardship.

I realized very quickly after he left that God had so much He wanted to teach us and have us walk through before we entered into our next stage of marriage.  I cannot thank God enough for that precious time my husband and I had with the Lord in our time apart.

God wanted to meet with us and show us where we needed growth and ways we needed to learn from each other, and Him.  There was a great deal of dying to self and stripping away layers of insecurities, allowing Jesus to be the center of our relationship.  He showed me how to be patient and how to rely on Him through the distance, teaching me that He was carrying us both through this season of our life.  It wasn’t easy but when my husband returned home we were stronger and more committed than ever before.

If two wasn’t enough, three would definitely do it.  About five months after we were married, my husband once again was called out for another deployment.  We knew ahead of time that another was coming but getting the official orders was much harder than I had anticipated.  I had just adapted to a whole new life.  I was used to having him in our new home, holding me through the day and protecting me through the night.  I didn’t know how to do this new season of life without him, and one of my biggest concerns was not having him close.

jonathon and heather“Touch” is one of my primary love languages and I knew not having his physical touch would be one of my greatest struggles while he was away.  God began to speak and reveal to me that there were more ways to love than what I was used to and communication was one of the gifts God strengthened us in.  We found that developing good  communication patterns was our strongest asset,  and through it we were able to grow stronger and deeper together.

We talked about so many different things that helped our marriage grow leaps and bounds; things that had hurt us, things that we needed, things that made us feel special and loved.  Having distance between us caused us to work through the hard things and fight for each other’s heart and happiness.

It has been a long, hard experience walking through a long distance relationship but I wouldn’t trade what God has given us through each time apart, for the world.  Something I have come to understand is that if God authors it, God blesses it. It wasn’t the military bringing my husband overseas.  It wasn’t orders on paper forcing us to be apart.  It was God.  It was always God and it will always be God.  It’s not to punish or hurt us but to bless us and help us grow.  I had plenty of opportunity to whine and complain and to feel sorry for myself while my husband was away, (believe me, there were endless nights where I did). However, something shifted within my spirit and I realized that if God was the one orchestrating the separation then this was a plan for His purpose and we would receive great and abundant blessings from it.

I am not sure if you are in a relationship now or currently debating whether it’s worth it or not.  One thing I want to tell you is: if God brings you to it, He will see you through it.  God WILL equip you for the journey and through each season of your relationship. Don’t fear the unknown or the fret the distance.

There is great reward for those who wait.  Isaiah 40:31 says, “Yet those who wait upon the LORD Will gain new strength.”  God has a powerful plan and purpose for all things and if you commit to Him your cares and worries of the season you’re in, approaching, or even one you’re considering, He WILL give you the strength to carry it out and the joy to dance in His blessings.

 

 

 

 

God keeps His promises! The best weekend of the summer!

Hi Friends! 

I hope you are having an amazing Monday.

I wanted to share with you about my weekend because it was the best weekend of my summer!

She was the most stunning bride I have ever seen!

She was the most stunning bride I have ever seen!

I went to College Station, TX, and I helped my roommate of three years, Katy, walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams.

It was such a beautiful wedding, and God gave us a miraculous cold front and breeze for the morning photo shoot outside.  If you are from Texas, you can understand how miraculous a cool breeze can feel on a typically stifling August morning.  It wasn’t  humid, I barely sweated, and the beautiful bride was completely comfortable in her layers of stunning white .

The reason this wedding was the highlight of my summer, is for one simple reason it was a celebration of the goodness and faithfulness of God.

At the rehearsal dinner I told a story about how every Friday night during our excruciatingly long single years we (Katy, myself, and another roommate)  would gather in our pj’s in our living room.  I would smash a few soft avocados into smooth velvety submission, zesting the  dip with lemon juice and garlic salt. My guacamole, became a staple of our Friday night roommate time, along with rich conversation about our busy weeks.

Tears and tissue were passed around the living room freely because of one topic…men…

The distinct lack of men in our lives,  along with the multiple wedding invitations, save the date magnets and engagement announcements which paraded across our fridge singing a taunt of loneliness and fear.  Fear that because we were in our late twenties and early thirties, we had been forgotten.  I wondered if the movie 27 dresses was actually a secret documentary about our lives.   We would pray, we would cry, we complained, we questioned…  “WHERE IS MY HUSBAND!” so many times….and yet every time we would pray together my heart grew with confidence that God was preparing a man for each of us.

Celebrating Katy with sweet friends!

Celebrating Katy with sweet friends!

P1040084We ended most Friday night, vegging out watching our favorite reality wedding shows, like Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress. We would wipe our eyes, and dream…giggling like 3 junior high girls, about where we would get married, what our wedding dress would look like and of course who the groom would be!

As  I watched as the most stunning bride walked down the aisle to marry her best friend, her lover, the groom God had been preparing all along –  when getting married seemed as plausible as a cool front, in the middle of Texas, on a typically scorching August morning – my heart (and tear ducts) burst with thankfulness.

On those Friday nights, when our relationship futures seemed bleak and despair whispered lies in our ears like a close friend…we had prayed to and been heard by an extraordinary, Father.

P1040087

P1040116He is the Father who hears our heart’s cry.  He is the God of impossible dreams. He is the God who keeps His promises. He is the One working, in the darkest of times.

For a year and a half I put this verse on the door of our duplex I shared with my roomates.

Romans 4:17:  “He is the one who before him whom he believed, even God, who giveth life to the dead, and calleth the things that are not, as though they were.”P1040117

With the man of my dreams! The man God had prepared for me!

With the man of my dreams! The man God had prepared for me!

I posted it as a declaration over myself and my roommates, that God was big enough to bring our husbands, and that even when we saw nothing changing in the natural realm that He was bringing promises to fruition in unseen places.

Katy, you are a warrior, and overcomer, you have laughed in the face of the enemy through every attempt he made to steal your joy and hope in the area of marriage.   You have fought with unrelenting fierceness, you have held onto to the truth that God is good, and today I rejoice with you because you are experiencing “the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” (Psalm 27:13)

Please Share! (I love comments)  Have you seen the Lord bring to pass a promise that you had prayed and believed for?  I would love to hear about it, reading testimonies of breakthrough can build our faith in a powerful way!

How I found Healing and Hope after a Miscarriage, Moving from Hurt to Hope after a Miscarriage: Part 4

 winter Moving from Hurt to Hope after a Miscarriage: Part 4

Today we continue our series on miscarriage, and how I found hope, healing and even joy after a miscarriage.

If you missed the story of our Sweet Babies you can find it here:

http://claritywithcharity.com/?p=374  and  http://claritywithcharity.com/?p=438 along with my,

Top 5 Ways you can support someone who has experienced Miscarriage: http://claritywithcharity.com/?p=420

Last week I shared that after my second miscarriage I was finding it very difficult to experience any hope or joy…   “After about 2 weeks of walking around in my tornado of bitterness, anger and comparison it struck me how much I did not want to be this person.  I didn’t want to be a woman who snapped and glared at every pregnant momma in sight.  I didn’t want to resent other women who had healthy children, and I didn’t want to be angry at God.  I didn’t want to spend the next twenty years of my life wandering around in self pity, I had to get out….but how???  I felt so trapped.”

One morning I went into our guest bedroom, got on my knees and cried out to God, “God, I need your help, I don’t want to be a bitter woman, I don’t want to be mad at you, I don’t know how to work through the way I feel, but you do, PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!” 

In the midst of my desperate plea for help a quiet stillness came over my heart and all I heard was this phrase in my mind over and over again, “Bless the Lord, O my soul”…”Bless the Lord, O my soul”…the words of David from Psalm 103:2.

My heart stopped at these words, deep inside my spirit fought… “what about me God?  I’ve been through a lot here!  Do I really have to bless you right now?  I don’t feel like it, actually I am pretty mad at you.”

The phrase kept echoing over and over, and I knew, I knew I needed to say the phrase out loud, to agree with His Word, to choose to agree even when I felt like it was the last thing I wanted to do.  I said it slowly and quietly at first, then a little louder, a little more sure, then heaviness broke, a victorious confidence rose in my heart, and I screamed it over and over, “Bless the Lord O my Soul!”  My heart erupted with praise, I began to thank God for who He was, for who I knew Him to be, for who His Word says He is.   He is kind, He is faithful when I am faithless , He is strong, He is powerful, He is just, He is good and He is worthy….He is so worthy, even when life is hard really hard, and I don’t understand…He is always  worthy of praise.

As I praised Him and thanked Him for who He was I received major breakthrough, the hardness that my heart was being drawn towards begin to melt. 

I asked Him my questions.  I asked Him why I had to lose two children in 6 months when I knew so many women who had lost none.  I asked Him why He hadn’t resurrected my child back to life, when I knew that He could.  I asked Him why Liya died when I believed with every fiber of my being that she would live here on this earth.  I asked Him if I would ever hold a child of mine in my arms.  And I asked Him “WHY” about a million more times.

I felt His comfort, His compassion and His heart break right along with mine.  He was listening to every question.  And still I heard no answers.

But I encountered HIM!!!!!!!!  His presence was so much sweeter and greater than all of my questions.  His presence filled the gnawing ache in my heart.  His presence filled the emptiness all my questions had carved into my soul.  He was enough, even though I didn’t receive the answers I thought I needed and even deserved.

Then He spoke to my heart.  He asked me if I would lay it down.  Lay down every question.  He asked me to give up my right to know and understand what I so desperately didn’t, what I so desperately wanted to know and understand.  What I felt I had a right to understand.

I knew this was part of the road to healing for my heart, part of the journey towards hope and so I said yes.  I said yes because I knew that God was for me, and He wanted my heart’s healing.  Only He could show me how to be whole.

 I wanted freedom more than I wanted my questions, I wanted the wholeness He had for me more than to keep my grip and grasp onto my what if’s and why didn’ts.  I have learned if God says to do something, to do it, because He loves me.  He is wise and wants to guide me into all truth.

Whenever the Lord asks me to lay something down, I always picture the cross.  I think about the cross and how when Jesus died He paid the price for all sin, suffering, shame, disease and death.  I think about the empty tomb and how regardless of what sorrow I experience in this world, that because of His victory I have a place in heaven, where there will be complete and utter perfection.

wheat sunI think about the cross and grave because I need to remember, I am not just laying down my questions at the foot of a garbage can or leaving them in an empty room, I am laying them down at a place that is the source of victory and miracles.  I am laying them down and leaving it all with Jesus, the one who loves me most.  That is an awesome and safe place to leave my questions.

I can’t tell you the ten steps to work through a miscarriage.  I have found moving through grief towards a place of wholeness is such a different journey for each person.  But I know how I came to this place.  I found it because I was desperate and hungry for Jesus.  I was desperate for His help and for an encounter with Him.

Where can you go, to find what you need?   Its in Him, Its in Jesus.

Become desperate to encounter Him, Ask Him your questions, and then humble your heart to listen and submit yourself to do what He says.  Read His Word, and cling to it.  His Word and Character are unchanging and a source of life and truth regardless of our circumstances or our feelings.

I pray for you, friend, that whatever heartache you have encountered that you will be able to say “Bless the Lord, O My Soul (Ps. 103:2)” and that you will encounter the One:  “Who forgives all you iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:3-5)

We will continue our series on Miscarriage, by looking at a specific question I really wrestled with after losing our second baby.  What do you do, when you do not receive the object/circumstance/breakthrough that you had been believing God for? 

As always, I welcome your response.   How have you worked through grief?  Where are you at in your healing process?

How to resolve conflict with a friend.

How to Resolve Conflict with a Friend.

Today I am answering a reader’s question. Do you have a question that you would like answered in the “Dear Charity” section of the blog?  Please email it to info@claritywithcharity.com   Please include if I have your consent to post your question on the blog.  Also please include how you would like your question to be signed.  (i.e.  Anonymous, Your Name, Searching in Seattle ect…)

1159993_12104124Dear Charity,

How do you apply Matthew 18 in your daily life?  (a.k.a. when people are being rude and gossiping about you?)  What does that look like?  Or what about the flip side when someone is talking about someone else without going to them first?  Even about the little things?

Anonymous

Dear Friend,

What a great question!  I am so impressed by your desire to apply Matthew 18 in your everyday life.

This is a very important passage of scripture, but often people overlook it because it means they may be put in an awkward position.  It is easier to satisfy our flesh and gossip or complain about others instead of honestly trying to work out a hurtful situation.

The scripture the reader was referring to is:

Matthew 18: 15-17  “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

We’ll start with the first part of your question:  What do you do “when people are being rude and gossiping about you.”

In Matthew 18 the word is “sins” but in some translations it is also interpreted “sins against you.”*  In your situation it sounds like you feel a sin has been committed against you.

According to Matthew 18, the instruction is clear – you need to address this situation with the person.

I think it is very interesting that the words brother and sister are used here*, the original word is “adelphos” which refers to another disciple (someone who follows Jesus).  I am noting this distinction for a few reasons.

gossipIf someone is not a follower of Jesus, I think it is still a very good general principle to address the situation.   However, you may want to change your approach.  If someone does not acknowledge the authority of the Bible, it may not be very productive in your conversation to start with “you know Matthew 18 says that I should talk to you because you have sinned against me”  The Bible is the best manual we have for how to live our lives and its principles are applicable whether you are saved or not, but it may only isolate a non believer if you start off the conversation with a scripture.

Realize that the way you handle this conversation is a reflection of Christ to this person.  I am not saying that you water down the truth of the situation, but I am saying to keep the grace you have received through Christ at the forefront of your heart and mind as you talk with the person.

1 Peter and 2 Timothy gives us a few great reasons to express grace in our conversations with non believers:

–          People may come to repentance, and become a follower of Jesus.

–           We will be blessed.

–          Your conscience will be clear.

–          You will prove their accusations wrong.

2 Timothy 2:25:

“Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to acknowledge of the truth.”

1 Peter 3:9:

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

1 Peter 3:15-16:

“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.”

720361_18853551How you can you practically express grace to someone in a conversation:

–           Start with a heart that has forgiven.  If you express anger with the person because you have not forgiven them you are missing an opportunity to share the grace of Christ that you have already received.

–          Before the conversation, ask the Lord to show you what His thoughts and heart are towards this person.  He may say something like “they are really hurting right now”  “I love them and I want them in my family”  or  “I have an incredible purpose for their life.”  When we take a few moments to see beyond the surface of our own pain and frustration and see what God sees when He looks at another person, our heart attitude towards them will be one of love instead of condemnation and shame.

–          Starting the conversation.  I think the beginning of these conversations are very important to think about as it will set the tone for the rest of your interaction.  Here are some possible beginnings:

  •  “Suzie Q. I wanted to talk with you about something that has been hurting me.  I want to talk to you about it because I don’t know if you realize that it is hurting me, and if someone was hurt by me, I would want them to come to me first instead of holding secret bitterness inside.”

–          Repent at the beginning.  Before I begin a conversation like this I always ask the Lord if there is something I need to apologize for to the other person.  Guess what!  There usually is!  When we begin these conversations with acknowledging our own wrong and asking for forgiveness to the other person it is much more likely that your humble apology will soften their hearts to hear what you are saying.

–          You are working towards reconciliation.

Saying something like the phrases below can help to set a positive atmosphere that lets the other person know your heart is for reconciliation:

  •  “I really want us to get along as co-workers, neighbors, friends ect… and I want to work towards a positive outcome for both of us”
  •   This situation/comment/gossip has hurt me, but I want you to know that I have forgiven you.
  •   I want us to have an even better relationship at the end of this conversation.

duck circle huddleWhat if the person does not receive what you have to say?

–           Take 1 or 2 others with you.  If it is a situation at work, you will want to talk with your supervisor and your human resources person.  If it is a personal situation, I would suggest taking 1 or 2 people who are respected for their wisdom and Godly counsel.  I would also suggest it not be someone that would be immediately associated as being “on your side” (i.e.  your Mom or best friend).  Take along people whose hearts are for reconciliation not just that you are proved right.

–          If the person is a believer, Matthew 18 gives us clear instructions what to do next:  If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church.

Tell it to the church, means approaching your spiritual authority at your church.  This may be a mentor, small group leader, section pastor (i.e. Woman’s Ministries coordinator), associate pastor or possibly your senior pastor.  If you are at a large church you may not have a relationship with your senior pastor and it is a good guideline to approach spiritual leadership that is more connected to your life.  If you are unsure who can help you with this at your church, contact your church office and ask who you should talk to help you resolve a conflict between believers.

–          If they refuse to listen to the church authorities: “and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”  Hopefully it will never come to this, and you should never make the decision to treat them as a pagan without the church being in complete agreement with this decision.  Remember the goal is reconciliation within the body of Christ, not that someone would be cut off from the body.

If the person is not a believer and doesn’t listen to you or others, the answer is love, grace and prayer.  Pray for them to know Jesus. Extend as much grace and love to them as you can, remembering that God tells us our response to their wrongdoing may be what brings them into a relationship with Jesus.  A wise pastor once told me “lost people will act like lost people.”  This has always stuck with me and helped me when I become frustrated with the behavior of lost people.  If someone doesn’t have Jesus I can’t expect them to act like what a follower of Jesus should act like.  I shouldn’t be surprised when I encounter un -repentance, anger, and hurt.  I need to be vigilant in interceding for their life and looking for ways to show the love of Christ to them.

Have you ever been in a similar situation?  How did you respond?

* Source is http://www.biblegateway.com

Finding a Love who will never Leave

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Finding a Love Who Will Never Leave

 This was originally posted at http://www.brooke-nicole.net/2013/08/singleness-series-guest-post-by-charity.html

When I was a teenager, I read an article written by another young woman about singleness.  She said she didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, and that it was fine because Jesus was her boyfriend.  I thought it was one of dumbest things I had ever read. My response was, “I don’t care how awesome Jesus is, Jesus can’t send you flowers or get you sweet gifts on Valentine’s Day! I would rather a hot boy arrive at my door with a giant stuffed teddy bear and a bouquet of roses then tell everyone that Jesus is my boyfriend, while I go to the store and buy myself  Dove chocolate to eat alone.”

Although I disagreed with the article, it placed this question in my mind, “could someone really be ok with being single on Valentine’s Day because they knew Jesus?”  I didn’t understand how Jesus could invade my life in such an intimate way that He could be as real as a boyfriend who brings flowers to your door.  I had yet to discover Jesus as my lover.

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My love/hate relationship with DIY

bath 6DIY!

Its a phrase flooding blogs, pinterest  and reality tv shows.

If you are slightly obsessed with HGTV home makeover shows like me, you may also have found yourself suffering from DIY delusionism.  What is DIY delusionism?  A  feeling and belief that you can easily transform your entire house in a few days without any problems, headaches, or disasters.

Lately my husband and I have been tackling a lot of DIY projects.  Our most recent was a major overhaul of our guest bathroom. Somewhere in between coats # 1, 2,3,4,5 &6 of paint and polyurethane on our bathroom cabinets, I realized my DIY delusionism was shattered.

bath 1

bath 10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No longer… would I think slapping a few coats of paint on bathroom cabinets would just take a few hours.   I could never look at old bathroom hardware and think, “oh, that will just take a few minutes to switch out.”  I will never believe that a tool like a paint sprayer may save you time.  Because tools, can let you down, tools can spray thick clumps of paint, that you have to sand and re-paint.

Never again…. will I plan a major room makeover shortly before agreeing to host 15 ish people in our home.  Because wiping up sawdust as you wave hello from your bathroom to guests is just awkward.

Never again… will I spend 12 hours a day in a garage, in July, in Texas in 100 plus degree weather.

bath 9

bath 3

 

 

bath 4

bath 5

 

bath 7

 

 

NEVER AGAIN, I promised myself at the end of our marathon remodel….but THEN AGAIN there is our master bathroom, and our kitchen cabinets, just screaming for a little love…maybe DIY delusionism is a bit like child birth.  They say you forget the pain of it and so that is why it is possible for women to desire childbirth again.

 

Are you a DIY’er?  Tell me about your latest and greatest DIY adventure!

 

Our Second Baby, Moving from Hurt to Hope after a Miscarriage: Part 3

Moving from Hurt to Hope after a Miscarriage:  Part 3 

baby fingers on crib

She is a girl. I had known she was a girl from almost the moment I found out I was pregnant.   As I prayed about this babe’s life, I felt like the Lord told me it was a she, and that she was a dancer and one who had the anointing to lead others into worship.  I felt Him say that she was witty and her jokes would make you laugh out loud.

The morning after the ER visit, I woke up feeling strange, because sadness enveloped me, strange because my husband had to go into work uncharacteristically early and he was no longer beside me. The steel fist of grief twisted my heart, my baby girl was gone… and she had died inside me.  I don’t know how to describe that feeling, but it is awful, real and powerful.  I hated knowing that death happened inside a place that was made to hold and cultivate life.   It had happened despite the progesterone supplements and the high HCG numbers.  It had happened in spite of deep love for our baby.

I rolled out of bed and felt angry…maybe more angry than I have ever felt in my life.  I don’t get angry a lot, I get sad, frustrated and impatient but true anger is not something I usually experience.  I don’t like the way it makes me feel or act, but there it was…raw anger.  I went to the kitchen and slammed cabinets and yelled at the cats for acting like, well ….cats, meowing,  pooping and being hungry…”how dare they!” I thought.

I walked around the grocery store glaring at stranger’s in the peanut butter aisle because they were holding a baby, and I wasn’t.  It seemed like there were mothers and baby girls down every aisle.  I felt like everyone in the world could snap their fingers and get a beautiful, healthy baby girl anytime they wanted.  I saw mothers yanking sticky fingers and yelling “shut up” at their little ones….its hard not to judge other parents especially when you want to be one.  Then there were the mothers with starry eyed adoration of their babies, who cooed about their undying love to their little ones.  They felt the same love I had for my baby, but they held theirs in their arms and mine was only a memory in my heart.

Four months later it is hard to remember what she felt like, as our souls collided.

"Firework" by Marcus

“Firework” by Marcus

Her life was like a firework exploding into the darkness, lighting the night with its brilliant color only to fade into an all consuming black sky mere moments later.  I remember her light, I remember her brilliance. But what shade of red was that firework and what tones of blue did she use to light the sky?  I remember her light, I remember her color, but her memory is like a picture you took on family vacation, before digital cameras.  Back in the days when you used real film and prints came back blurry, because the tourist taking the picture was jilted by a biker on the sidewalk.  Her life feels a little hazy, I know what was supposed to be there, but it was too quick for me to catch the true intricacy of her beauty.  And I HATE that!!!!!!!

That is the worst part.  Not remembering clearly what you want to so desperately remember.  What I  have of her is the memory of what it felt like when her life began to grow inside of mine.  I remember my heart welling up with such intense love that I would have risked all my dignity and sanity to save her life.  I would have done anything to give her a chance to giggle and dance…because I just knew she was a giggler and a dancer and I loved that about her.  I loved the essence of joy her life held, the way her essence fueled my heart to beat a little faster.

Before the dr. came in to tell us the results of the sonogram, I sat in the frigid room my hand held by my husband’s, providing warmth and stability on a surreal night.  I saw in my mind Jesus standing beside me.  I saw Him cradling my baby in my womb.  I glimpsed what advanced technology could not see yet, my little one surrounded by fluid in my womb.  Jesus held her, and I knew, I knew she was His, she was now with God.

I named her Liya (pronounced Lay –yah).  Liya means “I am the Lord’s”

After my first miscarriage my friend had given me a scripture as a promise, Isaiah 44:1-5.  In the passage it says that your offspring “shall spring up among the grass like willows by following streams.  This one will say ‘I am the Lord’s’.”     I looked up what name meant “I am the Lord’s”– it was Liya.  In Latin, Liya means “ bringer of the gospel.”  I thought that her physical feet would carry the gospel across the globe.  While her physical feet never walked this earth, I believe that part of the redemption of God is that whenever her story is told, salvation will come to the hearts of people.

baby hand in big handHer life proclaims the story of Jesus, how He left heaven and became man while fully God, walked on this earth for 33 years, healing and loving people wherever He went.  He was perfect and died a horrific death on a cross.  He died for every sin that will ever be committed.   He died and paid the price for my sin and yours.   He died to bring victory over illness, and disease and death.  Three days later He rose again, bringing complete victory to the power of death.

When we acknowledge our utter need for a Savior, commit our life to Him and admit the right He has to rule and reign in on our life, we too experience victory over death and sickness.   We do not die when our bodies breathe their last breath, we will live and reign with Him forever in Heaven.

Liya’s life, while only with us on earth for 7 weeks, is a testament to the power of Jesus and His victory over death.  I knew the moment that I heard they could see nothing on the sonogram and my HCG had dropped, that she was alive.  Even when I realized I would never cradle her in my earthly arms, I knew she was in heaven with Jesus.  I would cradle her someday.  I knew that she would never know pain, she would never know the sting of death because she was in a place with a Savior who had conquered death, in heaven where there are no tears.   She would never know a day without the presence of Jesus.

I knew it was true:  that there was no one I wanted Liya to be with more than Jesus.  Yet, there was a place of indescribable pain in my heart that I had to deal with.  There was anger and I didn’t know how to move through.  With my first miscarriage it had been much easier to release Alexander to Jesus.    I thought what I had experienced was common for a lot of women who are pregnant for the first time and so it would never happen again.

After about 2 weeks of walking around in my tornado of bitterness, anger and comparison it struck me how much I did not want to be this person.  I didn’t want to be a woman who snapped and glared at every pregnant momma in sight.  I didn’t want to resent other women who had healthy children, and I didn’t want to be angry at God.  I didn’t want to spend the next twenty years of my life wandering around in self pity, I had to get out….but how???  I felt so trapped.

Next week, I will  be sharing the steps the Lord took me through that brought  freedom from bitterness, hopelessness and despair.  I hope you will join me!

Kitty Houdini

Jaxon In KitchenAs many of you know, I am the mother to two cats.  Technically, I am only their step mother as I begrudgingly accepted partial responsibility for these 2 mischievous felines when we got married.  My husband in an attempt to preserve my sanity, had built an additional barrier of wire netting at the top of our backyard to allow the cats some time outdoors and me some time indoor without the pitter pattering of curious kitty paws following me around the house.

The extra barrier has worked well until the other day when Jaxon’s natural curiosity had morphed into outright rebellion as he swatted down the wire netting and escaped over our fence.
We found him in the neighbors yard to our right, the next night it was the opposite neighbor’s yard we caught him in.  Even the loud barks from the yard directly behind us had not hindered his exploration expedition as we found him there.

Our concern grew, as a friend who lives nearby told us that she had seen Jaxon walking down the sidewalk on a road near our house, apparently Jaxon had been living a double life.  House cat by day – con artist by day and night.  We had no idea how often he had been roaming the streets and were unsure how to prevent his escape.  Jaxon was sentenced to house arrest and not allowed outdoors, until my husband could find a more secure barrier for him.

Jaxon’s distress grew with every passing hour he was not let outside, as did mine.  His constant meows and glances of longing out the window panes eventually turned into a continual howl of distress all day long.  He listlessly wandered between the front and back door staring at the bars of his prison and yelping with shrieks that probably made our neighbors suspect we were starving him.

Nothing would stop his pathetic and might I add ANNOYING yelps.  I tried to reason with my inmate, “Jaxon you could be outside right now, but you have been rebellious and we can’t trust you outside right now, because you may escape and meet a cat knapper or a neighborhood dog bully.  Then you would really have something to cry about.”

P1030560Finally Jaxon’s day of liberation came, I am not sure who was more excited, me or him.  I relished in his house arrest being over for a whole 15 minutes, because that is all it took for Jaxon to yet again tear down the netting at the top of our fence and escape into the neighbor’s yard.

My husband came home to find a half crazed wife, pleading to fix the fence after a long day of enduring meow choruses from both cats whose only entertainment was to chase a fly in our house, and rattle the bars of their prison cell ….. did I say bars?…. I meant the blinds on our windows.

My husband fixed the fence.  A sense of peace has flooded the house again, the inmates released and I am still recovering from the steady soundtrack of feline choruses.  I used to think living in absolute silence would be torture, I was wrong…. living with absolute meows is torture. 

             Jaxon’s persistence reminds me of my relationship with God.  There are so many times when He tells me No, or I don’t get something I want.  And I throw a fit.  I mean a week long, human meow fest kind of fit.  I gaze out the window at whatever it is I want and I complain to God in my own annoying chorus of “why? Why? WHY?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Over and over again I plead with God, and accuse Him of being mean and withholding something good from me.

I join Eve in the garden looking at the fruit, and I think that I know what is best  for me.  And that God doesn’t.  I think  if I don’t have something I want then He is cruel and mean.

I am not a kitty mind reader, but I am pretty sure somewhere between meow and MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  They were saying “hey mean lady, you are cruel and uncompassionate, you are keeping us under house arrest to torture us.”  When the truth was I was keeping them in house arrest (and enduring my own torture) because I had their highest good in mind.  My kitties can’t understand that the fence wasn’t fixed yet, and that allowing them into the neighbor’s yards and into the streets unsupervised could result in their death or serious injury. It was my…gasp…love for the kitties that kept them locked inside.

 My actions were a small reflection of God’s love for me and for all His children.

Often we feel  stuck and we look to God to give us something yet we still experience pain or don’t get  the breakthrough we long for.   We become certain if only we had “that”, that object, that job, that person, that child, that paycheck, that degree, that life – that we would be happy.

But we don’t see what He sees.  Some of the things we want could be dangerous , they could lead to our serious harm or even our death – either of our bodies or souls.

I felt this way so often as a single woman.  I believed that my desire for marriage was from the Lord, I believed He had promised me that I would get married.  Yet, I couldn’t understand why wasn’t it him, or him or even him!  Why didn’t he ask me out, why didn’t that work out with that guy?   Every wedding invitation, I received in that period of intense longing seemed to confirm what Eve believed, that God didn’t know what He was doing, and He was withholding something good from me.

 He would whisper to wait, to trust Him, He would assure me that He was in control and He had the best for me.

Sometimes I believed him, some days I howled like Jaxon, and then I would try to control the situation and take matters into my own hands.  That always led to disaster.  Regardless of my response, God’s character was unwavering, He was committed to my best, even when I acted like I didn’t want it. 

P1010874I am so thankful to Him, for His sovereignty, His commitment to my life, His never failing love even when I was a pathetic sniveling mess.  In His time, His way, in a way so crazy I couldn’t have imagined, He brought my beloved, my husband and the one I was made to be with.

It was worth all those years of “House arrest” now if only I could make a certain cat understand that…..

What about you –  Can you think of a time when you felt God was withholding something good from you only later to realize in His love He was protecting you?

5 Ways you can Support a Friend after Miscarriage

I originally wrote and published this post on the blog after losing 2 babies to miscarriage, if you would like to hear about my process of finding hope and healing after a miscarriage you can find that here:

http://claritywithcharity.com/?p=374

It is challenging to walk through a miscarriage and it can also be challenging to know how to support a friend or family member who has experienced this loss.

I confess, that when friends shared about their miscarriages (before I had one), I felt unsure of how to respond.  My heart ached with them and I wanted to support them, but I had no idea what to do and say.  Maybe some of you have found yourselves in a similar situation, wanting to help but feeling helpless to do so.

IMG_64415 ways you can support someone after a miscarriage:

1.       Say “I am so sorry for your loss.”  Through this statement you are expressing what someone who has experienced a miscarriage desperately needs to hear, an acknowledgement that they have suffered the tragic death of a loved one.

2.       Acknowledge that you are honored they would share such a personal part of their life with you.  Realize that what this person is sharing with you is probably the most difficult thing they have walked through.  This may feel overwhelming to you (especially if you have never had a friend share this with you before).   Instead of stressing over fixing them or making everything better, focus on your love and concern for the person.  Saying something like this can be very helpful, “Thank you so much for sharing that with me.  I feel privileged to hear about your baby’s life.  This must be a very difficult time for you!  I want to be there for you and I am not really sure how to best do that.  How can I best support you right now?”

3.       Act like you would if there was a funeral to attend and an obituary in the paper.  While most families will not have a public memorial service for their child, their need for community support in this time is very similar.  We received many of the acts of service and gifts listed below after our miscarriages and they were incredibly healing and also helped in a practical way.  When people took these actions they not only acknowledged the tragedy we were walking through but expressed a physical representation of sharing in our grief.

–           Send Flowers

–          Bring a meal

–          Send a gift. 

–          Send a card.

–          Clean their house.

–          Offer to watch their children (if they have other children).

Having a miscarriage is not only hard on a women’s heart but it also takes a physical toll on her body.  The effects vary woman to woman but usually there is a period of time where you are very tired and weak.  This is why I suggested acts of service such as bringing a meal, cleaning their home, or watching their children.  I remember a friend bringing us a meal after our miscarriage and it was such a blessing, not only mentally to not have to plan dinner but because my body was so weak it was difficult to function normally.

4.        Check in with your friend.  Dealing with the emotions of a miscarriage can affect you for months and even years afterwards.  Depending on your relationship with your friend, it can be helpful to check in with your friend to see how they are doing.  I received texts, emails, and calls from friends months after the miscarriage asking how I was doing and letting me know that I was loved and they were praying for my husband and I.  This meant so much to me.  Their taking a moment to realize that I was in a season of grieving and that I was on their heart and in their prayers was helpful for me because I didn’t feel alone in my grief.  The message or call can be as simple as, “ I just want you to know I am thinking about you and praying for you today.  I love you!  How are you doing?”

5.       Pray for your friend.  It sounds nice to say, “I’ll be praying for you” but it is A LOT nicer to share in the burdens of your friend and actually pray for them and their spouse.  Here are specific things to pray, if you are unsure what to pray for.

–           Healing for their physical body and also for their heart.

–          For their doctor to have wisdom.

–          An increase in intimacy with the Lord in this season.

–          For complete health in their body, that miscarriage would never occur ever again.

–          That there would be an increase in love, intimacy, good communication and trust in their marriage through the season of grief.

If you have experienced a miscarriage, what were things you needed to hear or acts of service and support that were helpful to you?

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