And I don’t like to fast.
This sermon, just like all the others began that divine pulling in my secret place – you know that pulling…the I need to do this pulling, but I really don’t want too…
I knew I needed to fast and I was pretty sure what I needed to fast from…
Everything that has been clamoring for my attention, my affection and my love. Everything I look to give me inspiration, energy and joy. My false lovers.
I spent 5 days without sugar, caffeine, social media (except for when necessary for blogging), music, make –up, doing my hair cute, and wearing cute outfits ( I wore jeans and a baggy tee shirt everyday).
I didn’t do it because sugar, caffeine, social media, music, or looking cute are bad things – Thank you Lord! -because you know this girl loves a steaming latte and a pair of cute shoes….
I needed a heart check in to see what my heart was being drawn to throughout the day – I wanted the answer to be Jesus…but I was pretty sure I was being drawn to EVERYTHING else instead.
I woke up feeling clearer in my mind than I had been in weeks. I went to the gym and instead of watching the tv to pass the time and ease the pain on the elliptical. I started memorizing a few Bible verses. I had
stupidly announced to my Bible study group I would memorize the ENTIRE book of James, because it seemed like a good leaderly thing to do- when you are going through a Bible study about James and Beth Moore suggests you should. That was 7 weeks ago, and I am not through the first chapter.
I want sweets sooooo bad. I keep walking by the sweets basket in our pantry with the longing of an unrequited lover. Gummy bears, sour rings, and a family sized pack of Halloween candy taunt me…must be strong…
“Jesus, please help me. 5 days! I can’t do this for 5 days! Ok…Jesus you said you are the bread of life, can you be the sweet of life right now too?”
Day 2 morning:
“Ok Lord, I want to meet with you this morning – you are better than coffee and you can keep me awake and happy without coffee…I think…ok….NO YOU CAN…you raised people from the dead….so raise me out of my slumber with just your presence – just your Word.”
Day 2 afternoon:
My house is sooooo quiet, I want to turn on some tunes while I make dinner.
“Ugghhh…grrr…that’s right…no music, no tv…to fill the silence…just me and my thoughts, and my worries and oh right…and Jesus. Jesus could you take this fear and give me something better?…you can? Oh yeah, that’s right…that’s kind of who you are…savior, redeemer, restorer.”
Day 3 – morning:
All I want this morning is to look cute, that’s right…cute. I am tierd of tee shirts and unmanged locks. I am sick of my frizz and 7 adorable, trendy ladies are coming to my house today. And I look like the next candidate for What Not to Wear (if the show hadn’t ended…tear…)
“Ok wow…yup, I am vain..God, I’m sorry I want these girls to think I’m cute and trendy, when I’m not..especially today – and when it doesn’t matter what I look like, or what anyone looks like – I want real friendship with others not a respectful appreciation for eachother’s fashion.”
Insecurity creeps in …
“What am I doing here? Is anyone reading my
dumb blog? Why am I even wasting spending my life…writing?”
a facebook status, a boring email, another blog that is way awesomer than mine. I want to be lost in a story that’s not my own…a story that seems easier, better, more put together…like a pinterest image…where the counters are gleaming, hair is never affected by humidity, and every weekend is host to a perfectly DIY decorated birthday party, complete with party favors. (I always forget the party favors.).
“Ok…wait…Jesus YOU are EXCITING! You are the author of the best story being told now all over the world. You are telling your story, today through me, while I cook, while I clean, while I write, while I wait for promises to be fulfilled, while I
lose fight the battle with frizz.”
I jump out of bed thinking..
“this is it…last day of the fast, by tonight I will be one trendy, caffeinated, sugared, plugged in lady…and I’m so
I feel nervous that it will be lost – the intimacy, the turning of my affections, desires and needs to Jesus throughout the day has given me such incredible peace and clarity…I don’t want it to end.
I should be jumping for joy all the things I
NEED thought I need are back…but its funny…I didn’t need any of it.
I just needed Him!
How did I get to a place where I was going through my days, turning to everything but him?
My heart is sobered by how easily I am distracted.
In the weeks since the fast, I have found myself being drawn again to that list:
technology, sugar, caffeine, clothes, image…
but its been easier to turn away and embrace only one thing – Him.
Have you ever fasted? Can you relate to any of the things I shared above?